Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in catalyst of demise's LiveJournal:

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Monday, October 27th, 2008
6:45 pm	closing the book, maybe just turning the page? when i tell you how my mind spins, when you see how much my head grins, you'll know it's just the friction of my diction, scraping past my lips, still numb from your fiction hoping that your word selection will correct my misdirection. craving attention past my own mention, yet all but your touch leads to more tension. i'll erase my words one more time, you'll build a wall to hide behind-- so i could calculate your mental state with nothing to feel but your heart palpitate? when i tell you my diagnosis you claim it's just my own psychosis. it takes hold of me, taking hold of you now what will it take to find something new? Current Mood: determined Current Music: the brian jonestown massacre. (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 4th, 2007
6:10 pm	a little taste. homeostasis of conditioned condition drawn back into the same unresolved position. suffocated, by my own soft regrets buried, by misanthropic disrespects bringing one more indisputable dispute through reams inundated, by paper to muffle my screams sheafs attached, seam by seam echoed, to mold my dreams an undeniable denial to tear each apart, piece by piece. this justifiable injustice makes it permanent, crease by crease. Current Mood: busy Current Music: jeff buckley. grace (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 19th, 2007
3:42 am	in passing. of the ilk, on the eve- a thing i once tried to conceive born solely to bereave. attracted, to the balance of things at least one i seem to have missed. distracted, by what this brings. at least once i scream eyes redirected once kissed. Current Mood: artistic Current Music: amy winehouse. back to black (Comment on this)
Friday, July 13th, 2007
3:38 am	incompletion. i was beside myself. beside you. wondering what to do, next. waiting for it to fall from you, onto me. sliding lips. and whispering hips. im cashing in all my chips. sighing impatiently, as i beg for you too, to conjugate me like a verb i had sworn didn't even exist. Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: supertouch. the earth is flat (Comment on this)
Monday, February 5th, 2007
3:55 am	unrest. i know its past my bedtime.. everynight when i hear that slam at the front door. and each time i wonder what it could be. its the newspaper, each night telling me to at least make an attempt to go to bed soon. to give up--on all of the things i stayed awake for-- the things i was to attempt to do, that still arent done. i did the laundry finally. folded, but not put away. nothing cleaned, more dishes in the sink. another week of work will begin, and ill claim there isnt enough time to get things done during the week. there is never enough time for anything when youre a procrastinator. im starting to realize a lot of things about myself. or maybe im just not denying as many of my internal issues as i used to. i used to think when and if i ever got to this point it would be exhilirating or terrifying, something extreme. but its not... its just another turn of the wheel. like i knew this is where id end up eventually... living up to my potential, or giving up on my potential. im a kinetic disaster. this life is just starting to feel like i have been playing seventeen chess games, simultaneously, not close to check mate on any of them. this city is just too fucking big. and i guess any city, any town is too. i dont feel like ill every take full advantage of any situation i am in. i wish i knew how to walk away. show yourself, you coward. Current Mood: lazy (Comment on this)
Friday, August 11th, 2006
2:14 am	manic. sulfuric acid burns me again burnt and bursting insides turn to outsides torn again ive written these words before sinking again and i look to you for salvation you only salvaged yourself drowning again i fight it the way you fight me suffocating me again corrosive stares and generic cares falling further away again ive lived these words before surviving again because your formulas run scared when youre short of a chemical reaction (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 5th, 2006
7:09 pm	step into it. thinking about returning from the dead. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 7th, 2004
2:16 am	yes sir everything in my life is leading up to the big question-- how the fuck did i end up here? and i will respond, more importantly, with-- what the fuck do i do now? Current Mood: in denial. Current Music: kanye west. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, March 15th, 2004
12:21 pm	yeah. has anyone else noticed that the new usher video/song is a rip off of justin timberlake? i cant help but watch it every time it comes on to figure out if its a satire, coincidence, or some weird subconscious decision. im intrigued. with all that has been going on its kind of sad that this is my only commentary. Current Mood: dirty. Current Music: tribe. the low end theory (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 16th, 2004
3:26 pm	spillage. i have a lot going on. and for some reason it tends to coagulate in my head. i find no way to make it onto paper, or this journal. too much to say. and not enough energy. i really cant take what this has become. i wish i could move away right now. like a little kid. pack a small suitcase and run down the street. i wonder how far i could get. but thats the thing about promises. i keep them. im trying to figure out how to hold on. when i want to push away. i see my life as a chess game. and i am someone like bobby fischer. i play the game, seeing twenty moves, at least, ahead. calculating, but not trapping myself into a plan. anticipation. but by the time i see it all unfold, and its time to actually make my move. i forget why i chose to start where i started. i put the piece down. and pick something up instead. there is just too much. stimulation overload. simplify. release. rebuild. i think ill say goodbye to all of you now. because when i actually have to. i dont think ill care. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 14th, 2004
11:03 am	bite your tongue. how much things can change in a matter of minutes. i think my mind has just been blown. (Comment on this)
9:34 am	down and out. can i get a fucking break, for real? im sick of things never going my way. sick of people hiding behind a computer. sick of people being so unbelievably, even shockingly, egotistical. or is it egoistic? both i guess. sick of being so curious. more sick of not having answers to assuage me. sick of being up, and its only nine thirty am. three hours of sleep. up at six. waiting and waiting. thinking. the audacity. stop. im ready for my professional life to begin. for the second time. no. for the third time. im sick of people not being there. i miss my room mates. not a day goes by that i dont think about boston. and the new year makes me think of this past year. and how schizophrenic it all was, not literally, but as metaphorical personification. why did i make certain choices? and i wish i didnt learn certain things about myself through those choices. i mostly like it better in the dark. and i desperately need a hobby. which is why im going to take up karate, or some martial art. Current Mood: congealed. Current Music: phantom planet. (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 8th, 2004
11:15 am	mordecken. i had my first real live nightmare this morning. its been a few hours and im literally scared to go back to bed. i thought about how i could turn this into a multi million dollar film that scares the crap out of people. but after an attempt i think i might just end up in the psychiatric ward. ill get over it. but maybe not today. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 25th, 2003
8:51 pm	piecemeal. and it was only now that it occurred to me, the problem. i do not have a life, in the sense of a life being, whole, a working body. i have pieces of my life strewn about. like dirty clothes on a bedroom floor. like friends and acquaintances smattered about the world. like gas emissions left behind like visages. and how do i make everything fit together, when i keep pushing my arm back from picking up the pieces? Current Mood: confused. Current Music: counting crows. recovering the satellites (Comment on this)
Monday, December 1st, 2003
2:30 am	break. i havent felt the way, i feel today in so long its hard for me to recognize im beginning to notice how much this feel like a waking limb-- pins and needles.. and the pace finally slows down a bit. im taking on new everything. drop cargo. load cargo. Current Mood: lost. Current Music: stevie wonder. greatest hits (Comment on this)
Friday, October 31st, 2003
12:52 pm	non stop. and theres never enough poison. to kill the way that i really feel. thank wb executives for keeping street smarts on at four in the morning. that show has saved me from paid programming or choosing to go to bed so many times. just adding fuel to my fire. lifes been good to me so far. (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 19th, 2003
6:11 pm	bostonian relapse. the pru hidden behind slightly fall(en) leaves close enough to my home to make me realize i never left. the simplicity of another wonderful night. far enough from my home to make me realize i have plenty of time left. (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 9th, 2003
2:12 am	dirtbag. COWBOY UP! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
12:34 pm	F.O.M.S. why do i continually get myself into these situations? (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
11:19 pm	sigh. packing is a bitch. bitching about packing, but not getting it done is even more of a bitch. im on my way. just set me free. home sweet home. (1 Comment |Comment on this)