catalyst of demise (xcatalystx) wrote,
catalyst of demise

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i know its past my bedtime.. everynight when i hear that slam at the front door. and each time i wonder what it could be. its the newspaper, each night telling me to at least make an attempt to go to bed soon.
to give up--on all of the things i stayed awake for-- the things i was to attempt to do, that still arent done.
i did the laundry finally. folded, but not put away.
nothing cleaned, more dishes in the sink.
another week of work will begin, and ill claim there isnt enough time to get things done during the week. there is never enough time for anything when youre a procrastinator.
im starting to realize a lot of things about myself. or maybe im just not denying as many of my internal issues as i used to. i used to think when and if i ever got to this point it would be exhilirating or terrifying, something extreme. but its not... its just another turn of the wheel. like i knew this is where id end up eventually... living up to my potential, or giving up on my potential. im a kinetic disaster. this life is just starting to feel like i have been playing seventeen chess games, simultaneously, not close to check mate on any of them. this city is just too fucking big. and i guess any city, any town is too. i dont feel like ill every take full advantage of any situation i am in.
i wish i knew how to walk away.
show yourself, you coward.
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